Identity Crisis

Recently I had an identity crisis.

It's amazing how the human mind can skew things to the point that you start doubting yourself, doubting the very worth that God places on you.

That's the road that I went down.

We've been in Texas for almost a year now, living outside of Kansas for almost roughly a year and a half. I've had my share of struggles with being homesick, missing the way that "things used to be". There comes a point though, in moving to a new state, that you start to want to, for lack of better words, sink your feet into where you are. To feel some sense of stability. To develop and grow and nurture meaningful relationships in this new home. As the saying goes, to "bloom where you are planted."

That can become dangerous though when you try to do all that and leave God out of the equation

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One great blessing that we had in moving to this area of Central Texas was the already-existing group of brothers and sisters in the Lord that we got the honor and priviledge of meeting and doing life with. The family that we stayed with the first 6 weeks or so here we now consider some of our family. We already had a commonality with many of them just due to the simple fact that these were brothers and sisters who had been on the same Quest/HeartQuest event that I write about in earlier posts. We had experienced many of the same things that they had, and it was so great to have conversations about the awesome things God did in each of us on our own week-long journey.

Time begins to pass and the dust and newness of our move starts to settle and we begin investing and opening up and making our hearts more and more vulnerable for others to see and really get to know us. Where many people may struggle with opening up and letting people into their life and allowing others to get to know the "real them", I tend to fall on the opposite end of the scale. I just go "there" so quickly, wearing my heart on my sleeve, laying it all out on the table for all to see. I was so eager to make those close, real connections (which I believe Father definitely has brought for me and I am so grateful for how He takes care of my heart), that slowly, slowly, I started that slow fade from allowing Him to do the work and wait on Him, to taking control and doing it all on my own. My time with Him became more and more limited, to the point that I never was taking the time to just sit in His presence and just LISTEN.

The problem with not allowing yourself to just soak in His presence, receiving His truth? Leaving yourself open and vulnerable to confusion, worry, doubt, fear, the LIES the enemy feeds you (who can cleverly disguise those lies to sound just like your own voice), and even your own flesh, when left to it's own devices doesn't know it's head from its tail. The vulnerability really increased about a month ago when we had some kind of cold virus going around our house which kept us inside for about a month. Sometimes Father allows seasons where you're just "kept down" for a season, to be able to speak to you (if we'll listen). Unfortunately, during this time I just wanted to do my own thing; I could even sense Father calling to me "COME". But I didn't. I was dealing with a lot of confusion just in some of the things I believe about the Lord (which some of those things I'm still processing, but this time with God, and will have to be part of another post). I was feeling very isolated, having not been to church in about 3 weeks or so, and not having much contact with anyone outside this house. I started allowing the questioning to happen. I found myself craving human contact more than wanting to just spend time with my Father during the wonderful opportunity I was given.

I started questioning where I belonged. Did I really fit where God had placed us? Entertaining questions such as this, it lead me to ask if I ever really belonged anywhere? Are these friendships that I've started to develop just a passing phase that will fade with time? *Enter the Lies* No one wants to be your friend. You're all alone here. You're never going to fit in. Your company is not enjoyable. You're unloveable. Your friendship isn't that valuable. What kind of God would bring you somewhere and leave you alone? YOU'RE ALONE.....

Let me just tell you, me being stuck inside my head having conversations with myself and my own irrational thoughts, going along with all those lies, is not a good thing. I think the lowest point came for me on a Sunday night. I'm not sure exactly what triggered it, if it was from having just said goodbye to my parents the previous Wednesday, after they had left to go back to Kansas after visiting and missing home, or if it was just the fact that my husband was gone that day and it was just the girls and I. That evening we got together with some friends for food and fellowship and a birthday, but unfortunately I only lasted about 2 hours because I grew weary of chasing Mikayla and keeping her out of something every 10 minutes! I got home and put the kids to bed, and once again, not taking advantage of the free time I had to spend with the Lord I plopped down on the couch and got my laptop out and goofed around on Facebook for a while. That voice was still there, saying "COME". That still quiet voice got drowned out by my own attempts to try to do something that would make my heart feel better.

That night was a full-on attack from the enemy. Not only were the same lies, the same tapes playing over and over in my head, but they were being combined with feelings of despair, depression, and anxiety. By the time Ken (who by the way had an amazing day with the Lord) had arrived home at around 12:30 that night, I was a complete swollen-eyed mess. In the three hours since I had gotten home I had gone from being kind of mopey to complete sadness. I had locked arms with the enemy and was convinced that the best thing to do at this point was for Ken to look for a job back in Kansas, pack up the family and just go back home.

I am so thankful for a husband that has ears to hear God and the Holy Spirit, and the discernment to speak to me just how I need to be spoken to. I don't remember much of our conversation that night, other than him lovingly praying over me, and loving ON me. The next day after church came one of those wonderful, deep, insightful conversations with Ken that I love so much. Jesus came in flesh for me that afternoon through my husband.

I was reminded how when we lived in Kansas, I too often would cling to the coattails of those around me who were experiencing great things in their own spiritual life. How much I would look forward to spending time with these people, but the sad fact was that these were lopsided relationships. I would have that coffee with a friend and hear the great God stories and agree to what a great Father we have, and leave there with that great feeling that happens from a conversation like that. I didn't bring much to those conversations though because I wasn't experiencing the power of God in my own life, I didn't have those great God stories to share because I wasn't walking closely enough to Him to HAVE any! That was my comfort zone, as long as I still had these people in my life then God and I were good right?

Then He takes me away from all that. He puts me into a situation where yes, He's offering me some relationships with some beautiful, wonderful people. But this time is to be different. I have needs that NO human is supposed to, or is capable of being able to fill. I've been looking at people to fill those needs....ugh I've turned into that sponge of a friend that I never wanted to be. God and God alone is the one that knows me deeply, loves me and accepts me unconditionally. Instead of looking to go and listen to the God stories, leave with a smile and that good feeling that fades with the next wind of a storm, He wants my energy to go into getting to know Him SO intimately, to understand His joy and the happiness He feels about ME!!So that when I get together with someone, I can be that light into someone else's dark places, I can share with them the God stories and His beautiful love!!

Father, thank you that you just do not relent in wanting to capture my heart. I choose today to give you full control of every area of my life. I know that the more I get to know you, that your desires become my desires, and you long to give me the desires of my heart!!! Thank you for knowing me completely, even the ugly, gross parts of me, and still calling me your Beloved, your Princess. Let this truth sink in and absorb into the deepest parts of my being. You are the OPPOSITE of all those lies. You have delivered me out of darkness and into Your marvelous light. You will never leave me nor forsake me. I am a co-heir to your throne. I am the bride of Christ. I am chosen of God, Holy and dearly loved. You have given me a new name.

You are my identity.

"Nevertheless, God’s solid foundation stands firm, sealed with this inscription: “The Lord knows those who are his...' 2 Timothy 2:19

"and he has identified us as his own by placing the Holy Spirit in our hearts as the first installment that guarantees everything he has promised us." 2 Corinthians 1:22 NLT

"Listen to me, O royal daughter; take to heart what I say. Forget your people and your family far away. For your royal husband delights in your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord. " Psalm 45:10-11

Vision

I am so amazed how God chooses to speak to me sometimes. Last night, not only was it via a dream I had (which is kind of personal but totally meant for our family so I won't share the details) as well as a vision He gave me while my hubby was praying over us last night. I wish I could fully describe it....I basically saw the universe, the planets, the galaxies....and they paled in comparison to God!!!! I was completely humbled as I saw Him on His throne, in all His glory, and to think that this great big God cares about this teeny, tiny, insignificant little me is just beyond comprehension. The scripture in Isaiah 40 came to mind....who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand? Who has marked off the heavens with the breadth of His hand?? MY GOD!!!!!!

I cannot fully do justice what I saw in my spirit's eye. But God today reignited within me something I haven't done in a long time, a desire to sit and sketch. I dug out my pencil, paper, and my daughter's pastel set that I got her for Christmas last year. It was amazing how close and intimate that time was with Father as I re-created on paper to the best of my ability what I saw in my mind's eye last night. I am sharing this with you, not to give credit to ANY of my own ability, but the ability that came through Holy Spirit to give glory and honor and worship and adoration to the One who sits on the Throne!!!! Thank you Father for opening my eyes to this way of worshiping you!!!

Isaiah 40

Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. 2 Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the LORD’s hand double for all her sins.
3 A voice of one calling: “In the wilderness prepare the way for the LORD; make straight in the desert a highway for our God. 4 Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain. 5 And the glory of the LORD will be revealed, and all people will see it together. For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.”
6 A voice says, “Cry out.” And I said, “What shall I cry?”
“All people are like grass, and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field. 7 The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the LORD blows on them. Surely the people are grass. 8 The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God endures forever.”
9 You who bring good news to Zion, go up on a high mountain. You who bring good news to Jerusalem, lift up your voice with a shout, lift it up, do not be afraid; say to the towns of Judah, “Here is your God!” 10 See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power, and he rules with a mighty arm. See, his reward is with him, and his recompense accompanies him. 11 He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.
12 Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance? 13 Who can fathom the Spirit of the LORD, or instruct the LORD as his counselor? 14 Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way? Who was it that taught him knowledge, or showed him the path of understanding?
15 Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket; they are regarded as dust on the scales; he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust. 16 Lebanon is not sufficient for altar fires, nor its animals enough for burnt offerings. 17 Before him all the nations are as nothing; they are regarded by him as worthless and less than nothing.
18 With whom, then, will you compare God? To what image will you liken him? 19 As for an idol, a metalworker casts it, and a goldsmith overlays it with gold and fashions silver chains for it. 20 A person too poor to present such an offering selects wood that will not rot; they look for a skilled worker to set up an idol that will not topple.
21 Do you not know? Have you not heard? Has it not been told you from the beginning? Have you not understood since the earth was founded? 22 He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth, and its people are like grasshoppers. He stretches out the heavens like a canopy, and spreads them out like a tent to live in. 23 He brings princes to naught and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing. 24 No sooner are they planted, no sooner are they sown, no sooner do they take root in the ground, than he blows on them and they wither, and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.
25 “To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One. 26 Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one and calls forth each of them by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing.
27 Why do you complain, Jacob? Why do you say, Israel, “My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God”? 28 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. 29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Time to dive in

Part of me wanted to blame my inability to fall asleep on the 2 hour nap I had earlier today plus the Dr. Peppers I drank at dinner. Well, maybe those do have something to do with it, but I must admit that my mind is full of other matters. I was laying in bed reliving a feeling I had almost a year ago but was struggling to really put my finger on what that was.

Last year in November, Ken and I knew that Father was wanting us to seek Him on what the next step was for our family. We were in a situation where there was definitely more month left at the end of the money, but also had seen God provide for us in some miraculous ways. We were praying "God, what is the plan you have for our family?" "God, show us what the calling is, what the ministry is that you have for our family?" I remember Holy Spirit pricking my heart and telling me, very clearly, "Stop asking for the plan and just ask for what the next step is." So, one evening last November, Ken and I put the girls to bed and sat on the couch praying together, seeking God for clarity and direction. It was then that when we asked, "Okay God, what is the next step for our family?" we very clearly heard "MOVE."

We didn't hear "Move to ...." with a specific location, just move. Here's that feeling that I was describing to you at the beginning of this post. I can so vividly remember the days starting to go by, knowing that after we had given our 30 day notice at the end of November that the wheels were in motion and that, one way or another, we were indeed going to have to move out of our apartment. The hard part for me came in the preparations for moving. I can remember collecting the moving boxes and having them all stacked neatly in a corner, knowing that I needed to assemble them and fill them, but being filled with fear as to me packing those boxes was a recognition of the fact that I was submitting myself to a plan that was being set in motion by my very packing of each box. It was almost like, in my own foolish reasoning, that if I held off on packing those boxes just a day longer, that I didn't have to acknowledge the fact that our family was giving itself over to the mercy of the God of the universe, in whom we were trusting our lives with. So, I started packing. It was so hard knowing how to pack those boxes because where were we going? What did we need to have with us? What should go into storage? Packing those boxes became an exercise in guidance from the Holy Spirit as I can remember at some points stopping and crying and saying "Father I need your help! I don't know what we need in this box! Please show me!"

Here I am almost a year later. It is clear to me now, looking back, that Father did INDEED have a plan for our family. He was our provision, our strong tower, our shelter, our rock. Last year was such a huge challenge but it was also a season of growth and maturing and refining. That box-packing experience was difficult but boy was it such a blessing to me! Through my obedience to go ahead and just start packing those boxes, with His help, He poured out His love and grace on me and PROVIDED. We have now been in Texas since April 1st of this year and I am blown away by all that He has done to bless our family, showing us His favor.

So, again, I start asking Him, "okay Father, so what's the plan? Surely now that we've obeyed you you'll begin releasing wisdom and revelation in what you are wanting our family to do, what our ministry should look like." I will say that He has indeed pricked our hearts in some areas, and to think of Him wanting to use me in the capacity that I believe He wants to truly humbles me and leaves me speechless to realize the enormity of it. But He's not releasing us to that yet.

My flesh begins to take over. I start getting caught up in the daily-ness of life, me home with the girls homeschooling and being mama and housekeeper, my husband with a great job that pays the bills. We live in a nice little home in a nice little neighborhood. I start looking around and having conversations in my head about how this pretty much looks like what we were doing back in Kansas, before Ken left his last corporate job. I start thinking well if we're doing this here, and you're not going to release us to what you are calling us toward, then couldn't we just do this in Kansas? Then I start to really humor my flesh and pine over the fact that I still don't feel at "home" yet and that I really would just like to go back "home" to Kansas, where everything is familiar, where it's comfortable, and frankly (and this is just something the Holy Spirit showed me as I'm typing), where I don't need Him as much. Where I don't have to depend on Him as much.

Going back to some of the things that I believe calling us to. Some of those things are big, as in God-sized things that will take an act of His will to be brought about and released and revelation to know when the time will be for that. But then there are not-quite-as-"huge" things, but still very vital and important. I know that these things are vital and important because these are things that the Holy Spirit has been pricking my heart towards even over the last couple of weeks. These are things that could bring about change that could further the Kingdom of God right here in Central Texas. I think about them and my heart gets excited and I wonder, Father, you really want ME to do that? Then comes up my silly, foolish, fleshly thinking that I dealt with almost a year ago when I was dealing with the boxes. If I move forward with this thing you are calling me to, then that really does seal the deal that we are down here for good for at least this season, and that you really DO have a plan for us here in Texas. Almost as though if I just sat on what I believe He's been showing me to do, that somehow that will change God's mind and we can pack up and move back home to Kansas.

I'm sitting here shaking my head at myself and thinking that I am sure God has been shaking His head too. Do I not remember what happened last year with the boxes? How could I forget how much He wanted to pour out His love and blessing on me with just that simple act of obedience? When am I going to stop waiting on the "big picture" plan to just drop into my lap, and instead start walking forward in the calling that He's given me RIGHT NOW, regardless of how grand that may look right now? When am I going to stop turning around, longing for my homeland, and instead realize that my real home is not here on this earth?

I talked to God about a lot of these things this morning while getting ready for church. It was the first time that I had actually said out loud (even though He already knew) how I was processing things. I told Him my fear about walking forward in what He's calling me to. I told Him about missing Kansas and my family. I told Him about how maybe I just need to have some more time to really get "settled" here or to have a few more visits home before I'm fully ready to walk forward with this.

We got to church this morning and one of the pastors spoke on committment. The message was a great one, differentiating between just being involved (in church, marriages, relationships, etc) to being fully committed. I started thinking about my conversation that I had this morning and I could see God's answer to me slowly start to unfold. The answer was even more clear in a passage from Scripture that was read during the sermon:

"As they were walking along the road, a man said to him (Jesus), 'I will follow you wherever you go." Jesus replied, 'Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.' He said to another man, 'Follow me.' But the man replied, 'Lord, first let me go and bury my father.' Jesus said to him, 'Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.' Still another said, 'I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.' Jesus replied, 'No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.' Luke 9:57-62

God said to me this morning, Cindy, I do have things for you to do. Things to which I am calling you to now. Yes, there is a calling for your life, but right now, where you are, you need to live committed to Me. Stop looking back and longing for home. Follow me. The things I have for you to do now will help prepare you for the things are which to come. Stop turning around; look straight ahead, take my hand, and follow me.

Father, this is HARD!! Even as I sit here and write this tears come to my eyes. This is more than just asking for your help to pack boxes!! You have things for me to do, and I know that no longer can I ignore the pulling in my heart. I am fearful of what it looks like as I do these things, specifically when I look at what I am capable of doing. But I know that through you I am able to do all that you have called me to! You love me and I know that perfect love casts out all fear! I want to walk in obedience to you. You have blessed me. Help me to BE a blessing. I am diving into You, and ready to go deep.