Time to dive in

Part of me wanted to blame my inability to fall asleep on the 2 hour nap I had earlier today plus the Dr. Peppers I drank at dinner. Well, maybe those do have something to do with it, but I must admit that my mind is full of other matters. I was laying in bed reliving a feeling I had almost a year ago but was struggling to really put my finger on what that was.

Last year in November, Ken and I knew that Father was wanting us to seek Him on what the next step was for our family. We were in a situation where there was definitely more month left at the end of the money, but also had seen God provide for us in some miraculous ways. We were praying "God, what is the plan you have for our family?" "God, show us what the calling is, what the ministry is that you have for our family?" I remember Holy Spirit pricking my heart and telling me, very clearly, "Stop asking for the plan and just ask for what the next step is." So, one evening last November, Ken and I put the girls to bed and sat on the couch praying together, seeking God for clarity and direction. It was then that when we asked, "Okay God, what is the next step for our family?" we very clearly heard "MOVE."

We didn't hear "Move to ...." with a specific location, just move. Here's that feeling that I was describing to you at the beginning of this post. I can so vividly remember the days starting to go by, knowing that after we had given our 30 day notice at the end of November that the wheels were in motion and that, one way or another, we were indeed going to have to move out of our apartment. The hard part for me came in the preparations for moving. I can remember collecting the moving boxes and having them all stacked neatly in a corner, knowing that I needed to assemble them and fill them, but being filled with fear as to me packing those boxes was a recognition of the fact that I was submitting myself to a plan that was being set in motion by my very packing of each box. It was almost like, in my own foolish reasoning, that if I held off on packing those boxes just a day longer, that I didn't have to acknowledge the fact that our family was giving itself over to the mercy of the God of the universe, in whom we were trusting our lives with. So, I started packing. It was so hard knowing how to pack those boxes because where were we going? What did we need to have with us? What should go into storage? Packing those boxes became an exercise in guidance from the Holy Spirit as I can remember at some points stopping and crying and saying "Father I need your help! I don't know what we need in this box! Please show me!"

Here I am almost a year later. It is clear to me now, looking back, that Father did INDEED have a plan for our family. He was our provision, our strong tower, our shelter, our rock. Last year was such a huge challenge but it was also a season of growth and maturing and refining. That box-packing experience was difficult but boy was it such a blessing to me! Through my obedience to go ahead and just start packing those boxes, with His help, He poured out His love and grace on me and PROVIDED. We have now been in Texas since April 1st of this year and I am blown away by all that He has done to bless our family, showing us His favor.

So, again, I start asking Him, "okay Father, so what's the plan? Surely now that we've obeyed you you'll begin releasing wisdom and revelation in what you are wanting our family to do, what our ministry should look like." I will say that He has indeed pricked our hearts in some areas, and to think of Him wanting to use me in the capacity that I believe He wants to truly humbles me and leaves me speechless to realize the enormity of it. But He's not releasing us to that yet.

My flesh begins to take over. I start getting caught up in the daily-ness of life, me home with the girls homeschooling and being mama and housekeeper, my husband with a great job that pays the bills. We live in a nice little home in a nice little neighborhood. I start looking around and having conversations in my head about how this pretty much looks like what we were doing back in Kansas, before Ken left his last corporate job. I start thinking well if we're doing this here, and you're not going to release us to what you are calling us toward, then couldn't we just do this in Kansas? Then I start to really humor my flesh and pine over the fact that I still don't feel at "home" yet and that I really would just like to go back "home" to Kansas, where everything is familiar, where it's comfortable, and frankly (and this is just something the Holy Spirit showed me as I'm typing), where I don't need Him as much. Where I don't have to depend on Him as much.

Going back to some of the things that I believe calling us to. Some of those things are big, as in God-sized things that will take an act of His will to be brought about and released and revelation to know when the time will be for that. But then there are not-quite-as-"huge" things, but still very vital and important. I know that these things are vital and important because these are things that the Holy Spirit has been pricking my heart towards even over the last couple of weeks. These are things that could bring about change that could further the Kingdom of God right here in Central Texas. I think about them and my heart gets excited and I wonder, Father, you really want ME to do that? Then comes up my silly, foolish, fleshly thinking that I dealt with almost a year ago when I was dealing with the boxes. If I move forward with this thing you are calling me to, then that really does seal the deal that we are down here for good for at least this season, and that you really DO have a plan for us here in Texas. Almost as though if I just sat on what I believe He's been showing me to do, that somehow that will change God's mind and we can pack up and move back home to Kansas.

I'm sitting here shaking my head at myself and thinking that I am sure God has been shaking His head too. Do I not remember what happened last year with the boxes? How could I forget how much He wanted to pour out His love and blessing on me with just that simple act of obedience? When am I going to stop waiting on the "big picture" plan to just drop into my lap, and instead start walking forward in the calling that He's given me RIGHT NOW, regardless of how grand that may look right now? When am I going to stop turning around, longing for my homeland, and instead realize that my real home is not here on this earth?

I talked to God about a lot of these things this morning while getting ready for church. It was the first time that I had actually said out loud (even though He already knew) how I was processing things. I told Him my fear about walking forward in what He's calling me to. I told Him about missing Kansas and my family. I told Him about how maybe I just need to have some more time to really get "settled" here or to have a few more visits home before I'm fully ready to walk forward with this.

We got to church this morning and one of the pastors spoke on committment. The message was a great one, differentiating between just being involved (in church, marriages, relationships, etc) to being fully committed. I started thinking about my conversation that I had this morning and I could see God's answer to me slowly start to unfold. The answer was even more clear in a passage from Scripture that was read during the sermon:

"As they were walking along the road, a man said to him (Jesus), 'I will follow you wherever you go." Jesus replied, 'Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.' He said to another man, 'Follow me.' But the man replied, 'Lord, first let me go and bury my father.' Jesus said to him, 'Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.' Still another said, 'I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.' Jesus replied, 'No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.' Luke 9:57-62

God said to me this morning, Cindy, I do have things for you to do. Things to which I am calling you to now. Yes, there is a calling for your life, but right now, where you are, you need to live committed to Me. Stop looking back and longing for home. Follow me. The things I have for you to do now will help prepare you for the things are which to come. Stop turning around; look straight ahead, take my hand, and follow me.

Father, this is HARD!! Even as I sit here and write this tears come to my eyes. This is more than just asking for your help to pack boxes!! You have things for me to do, and I know that no longer can I ignore the pulling in my heart. I am fearful of what it looks like as I do these things, specifically when I look at what I am capable of doing. But I know that through you I am able to do all that you have called me to! You love me and I know that perfect love casts out all fear! I want to walk in obedience to you. You have blessed me. Help me to BE a blessing. I am diving into You, and ready to go deep.