Identity Crisis

Recently I had an identity crisis.

It's amazing how the human mind can skew things to the point that you start doubting yourself, doubting the very worth that God places on you.

That's the road that I went down.

We've been in Texas for almost a year now, living outside of Kansas for almost roughly a year and a half. I've had my share of struggles with being homesick, missing the way that "things used to be". There comes a point though, in moving to a new state, that you start to want to, for lack of better words, sink your feet into where you are. To feel some sense of stability. To develop and grow and nurture meaningful relationships in this new home. As the saying goes, to "bloom where you are planted."

That can become dangerous though when you try to do all that and leave God out of the equation

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One great blessing that we had in moving to this area of Central Texas was the already-existing group of brothers and sisters in the Lord that we got the honor and priviledge of meeting and doing life with. The family that we stayed with the first 6 weeks or so here we now consider some of our family. We already had a commonality with many of them just due to the simple fact that these were brothers and sisters who had been on the same Quest/HeartQuest event that I write about in earlier posts. We had experienced many of the same things that they had, and it was so great to have conversations about the awesome things God did in each of us on our own week-long journey.

Time begins to pass and the dust and newness of our move starts to settle and we begin investing and opening up and making our hearts more and more vulnerable for others to see and really get to know us. Where many people may struggle with opening up and letting people into their life and allowing others to get to know the "real them", I tend to fall on the opposite end of the scale. I just go "there" so quickly, wearing my heart on my sleeve, laying it all out on the table for all to see. I was so eager to make those close, real connections (which I believe Father definitely has brought for me and I am so grateful for how He takes care of my heart), that slowly, slowly, I started that slow fade from allowing Him to do the work and wait on Him, to taking control and doing it all on my own. My time with Him became more and more limited, to the point that I never was taking the time to just sit in His presence and just LISTEN.

The problem with not allowing yourself to just soak in His presence, receiving His truth? Leaving yourself open and vulnerable to confusion, worry, doubt, fear, the LIES the enemy feeds you (who can cleverly disguise those lies to sound just like your own voice), and even your own flesh, when left to it's own devices doesn't know it's head from its tail. The vulnerability really increased about a month ago when we had some kind of cold virus going around our house which kept us inside for about a month. Sometimes Father allows seasons where you're just "kept down" for a season, to be able to speak to you (if we'll listen). Unfortunately, during this time I just wanted to do my own thing; I could even sense Father calling to me "COME". But I didn't. I was dealing with a lot of confusion just in some of the things I believe about the Lord (which some of those things I'm still processing, but this time with God, and will have to be part of another post). I was feeling very isolated, having not been to church in about 3 weeks or so, and not having much contact with anyone outside this house. I started allowing the questioning to happen. I found myself craving human contact more than wanting to just spend time with my Father during the wonderful opportunity I was given.

I started questioning where I belonged. Did I really fit where God had placed us? Entertaining questions such as this, it lead me to ask if I ever really belonged anywhere? Are these friendships that I've started to develop just a passing phase that will fade with time? *Enter the Lies* No one wants to be your friend. You're all alone here. You're never going to fit in. Your company is not enjoyable. You're unloveable. Your friendship isn't that valuable. What kind of God would bring you somewhere and leave you alone? YOU'RE ALONE.....

Let me just tell you, me being stuck inside my head having conversations with myself and my own irrational thoughts, going along with all those lies, is not a good thing. I think the lowest point came for me on a Sunday night. I'm not sure exactly what triggered it, if it was from having just said goodbye to my parents the previous Wednesday, after they had left to go back to Kansas after visiting and missing home, or if it was just the fact that my husband was gone that day and it was just the girls and I. That evening we got together with some friends for food and fellowship and a birthday, but unfortunately I only lasted about 2 hours because I grew weary of chasing Mikayla and keeping her out of something every 10 minutes! I got home and put the kids to bed, and once again, not taking advantage of the free time I had to spend with the Lord I plopped down on the couch and got my laptop out and goofed around on Facebook for a while. That voice was still there, saying "COME". That still quiet voice got drowned out by my own attempts to try to do something that would make my heart feel better.

That night was a full-on attack from the enemy. Not only were the same lies, the same tapes playing over and over in my head, but they were being combined with feelings of despair, depression, and anxiety. By the time Ken (who by the way had an amazing day with the Lord) had arrived home at around 12:30 that night, I was a complete swollen-eyed mess. In the three hours since I had gotten home I had gone from being kind of mopey to complete sadness. I had locked arms with the enemy and was convinced that the best thing to do at this point was for Ken to look for a job back in Kansas, pack up the family and just go back home.

I am so thankful for a husband that has ears to hear God and the Holy Spirit, and the discernment to speak to me just how I need to be spoken to. I don't remember much of our conversation that night, other than him lovingly praying over me, and loving ON me. The next day after church came one of those wonderful, deep, insightful conversations with Ken that I love so much. Jesus came in flesh for me that afternoon through my husband.

I was reminded how when we lived in Kansas, I too often would cling to the coattails of those around me who were experiencing great things in their own spiritual life. How much I would look forward to spending time with these people, but the sad fact was that these were lopsided relationships. I would have that coffee with a friend and hear the great God stories and agree to what a great Father we have, and leave there with that great feeling that happens from a conversation like that. I didn't bring much to those conversations though because I wasn't experiencing the power of God in my own life, I didn't have those great God stories to share because I wasn't walking closely enough to Him to HAVE any! That was my comfort zone, as long as I still had these people in my life then God and I were good right?

Then He takes me away from all that. He puts me into a situation where yes, He's offering me some relationships with some beautiful, wonderful people. But this time is to be different. I have needs that NO human is supposed to, or is capable of being able to fill. I've been looking at people to fill those needs....ugh I've turned into that sponge of a friend that I never wanted to be. God and God alone is the one that knows me deeply, loves me and accepts me unconditionally. Instead of looking to go and listen to the God stories, leave with a smile and that good feeling that fades with the next wind of a storm, He wants my energy to go into getting to know Him SO intimately, to understand His joy and the happiness He feels about ME!!So that when I get together with someone, I can be that light into someone else's dark places, I can share with them the God stories and His beautiful love!!

Father, thank you that you just do not relent in wanting to capture my heart. I choose today to give you full control of every area of my life. I know that the more I get to know you, that your desires become my desires, and you long to give me the desires of my heart!!! Thank you for knowing me completely, even the ugly, gross parts of me, and still calling me your Beloved, your Princess. Let this truth sink in and absorb into the deepest parts of my being. You are the OPPOSITE of all those lies. You have delivered me out of darkness and into Your marvelous light. You will never leave me nor forsake me. I am a co-heir to your throne. I am the bride of Christ. I am chosen of God, Holy and dearly loved. You have given me a new name.

You are my identity.

"Nevertheless, God’s solid foundation stands firm, sealed with this inscription: “The Lord knows those who are his...' 2 Timothy 2:19

"and he has identified us as his own by placing the Holy Spirit in our hearts as the first installment that guarantees everything he has promised us." 2 Corinthians 1:22 NLT

"Listen to me, O royal daughter; take to heart what I say. Forget your people and your family far away. For your royal husband delights in your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord. " Psalm 45:10-11