Mirror, mirror....

Recently, Father opened up the door for me to attend an event called HeartQuest. This done by a ministry called Fellowship of the Sword (www.fellowshipofthesword.com). The particular event that I went on was in the hills of southwestern Texas, almost a month ago in August, for about 5 1/2 days. While I am unable to go into the exact details of everything that I experienced during those days, I can and will reveal a lot of what Father did in me during that time. Suffice it to say for now, I have been transformed, healed, set free, have been able to forgive, and Father has shown me where my real identity lies.

He showed me that I was looking for approval and acceptance in all the wrong places. I was living my life in such a way that I felt less than adequate if I didn't look a certain way, get involved in certain things, do everything that in the world's opinion would gain me full acceptance and a nice pat on the back. Even the 'good' things that I would do were really driven by my flesh; I was looking for that high that came with every 'atta girl' I received when someone somewhere NOTICED what had done, or what I was doing, or what I was saying. I'll even take it a step further than that: the 'growth' that I was 'experiencing' was counterfeit. I was hanging onto the coattails of everyone or everything else that was experiencing real change in their life in hopes that it would rub off on me, or that I would be caught in the overflow of the light that came from their growth. But Father showed me the very painful truth; those fresh green leaves of 'growth' that I thought were so obvious, were actually only disguising all the ugly reality of all the thorns that I had allowed to grow around my heart.

It was time for me to look into the REAL mirror. Not the one that hung on my bathroom wall that I could check on a whim to see if every hair was in place or if I had bags under my eyes or if my pants adequately covered up my muffin top. No, the mirror I needed to look in contained the very words of Jesus Himself. The very words that, as it says in Hebrews 4:12 "penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

Oh how painful it was!! Father took me into some of the darkest places of my soul, showing me things that I was carrying that I had thought I had already placed on His altar. Things I needed to be forgiven for, things that I had not yet forgiven that I had to almost literally turn myself inside out to be able to allow real forgiveness to take place. James 1:22-24 says "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what (s)he looks like." I had COMPLETELY forgotten what the real me looked like, what it was supposed to look like, and the plans that Father had in store for the real me.

The real me...who is that?? Is it this broken body that sits here on the couch, with back problems, 25 pounds overweight, that daily has to struggle with anger, lack of motivation, fear, people pleasing, etc?? No. The real me is just who Father has shown me the real me is....the one within me, that will exist for the rest of eternity as an heir that has been adopted by my heavenly Father, and co-heir with Jesus. On this side of eternity I cannot see with these brown eyes what Father sees; a daughter, someone who is cherished and precious to Him. I am without blemish or stain, I am Holy only because He first MADE me Holy.

He gave me a vision the day this day that He exposed the condition of my heart to me. He showed me that what I was lacking was a real, genuine trust in Him. And not just a general trust in just all that life is, but trusting Him with my heart. As I was sitting there in the warm Texas breeze, I leaned back on my palms and suddenly experienced Him washing over me with His presence. There was such a palpable feeling of love as I suddenly realized Him there with me. Suddenly within my spirit, I felt very exposed, open, vulnerable. I like to call it the spiritual equivalent of having my chest cracked open for open heart surgery. Almost immediately, a vision flashed through my mind of two large, masculine, loving hands; resting there in those hands was my heart. Not some cutsie Valentine's Day heart, but my actual, beating, fleshy, raw heart. And He placed these words within me: YOU CAN TRUST ME WITH THIS. I became so completely overwhelmed with emotion, because from that moment on I knew that I could go forward living the life that He has called me to live, because there is one who sees me, and knows me completely. If I can trust Him with my heart, I know that He is the one I am safe in and He is the one that will be my sustainer and my source of REAL life.

I so very much look forward to the day when I look Father in the face and know Him as much as He knows me.

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 1 Corinthians 13:12