Stop being manipulative

So, you're probably wondering why there is a picture of my leg up above. Well, about 2 weeks ago I started a Couch to 5K program, which is a slow and steady running program to, well, move you from the couch to being able to do a 5K in (I think) approximately 9 weeks. On my third training session, I felt like I was doing pretty good, felt my old jogging legs coming back and remembering what it's like to move that fast. :) That evening though, I somewhat noticed that my knee was a little sore. The next couple days I was really fine, noticed a bit of soreness but nothing too major. But then by about day 4 or 5 I was in some pretty extreme pain. I couldn't fully extend my leg out without pain, couldn't bend it without pain. It was popping and it felt like I had a tight rubber band holding my bones together and limiting their movement. From everything I've been able to discern via researching the internet, it sounds like it could be a miniscus tear.

For some reason, this issue was really getting me down. For me, my sore knee encompassed SO many more details about our life right now that was really causing me, to be frank, to freak out. This meant that I would probably have to go to the doctor, which meant that I need insurance. I haven't been approved for insurance yet, so that means we'd have to pay for the cost. What if I needed an MRI? We can't afford that right now. Then my mind just took off....what is your plan for us God? What kind of insurance do you want Ken to get so he can attend school at Calvary this fall (a requirement to be a student)? How long are you going to keep him at this job? How long do we have to live with this low of an income?? God, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO????

Last night, the Holy Spirit really got ahold of me and reminded me of a passage of scripture in James that Ken had shown me the night before. He showed me that sure, I've been praying, but they've been timid little prayers without expectation that God really can and really wants to move mightily in my life. They've been more prayers that I was treating as an "add on", while in the meantime I was also fashioning different things 'I' could do to fix this problem, to make more money, etc. I wasn't really believing that God would do what He says He will do, to take care of our needs, to heal us, to provide for us. I found myself starting to try to do what I've done in the past; manipulate the situation so that it would go according to how 'I' thought God would like it to go. I almost laugh out loud at myself at that statement. I am sure God was just looking at me and shaking his head thinking, you're asking for help, for wisdom, for guidance, for healing, but when you ask, you don't really believe that I am going to give those things to you!! I think about how I would feel if Hannah asked me for dinner, didn't really believe that I would get it for her, and she commenced to trying to fire up the stove and make her own dinner. She doesn't have the proper knowledge to be able to cook something up for herself and could end up with something terribly disgusting, or worse yet, could burn herself.

I think this is what God was trying to show me through this passage in James, which I've included here. I love this version of it from the Message, and it totally speaks to the fleshly part of me that wants to take over and not trust God with EVERYTHING, and has a tendancy to "worry my prayers". Lord, help me to ask and BELIEVE that you are going to meet our needs!!! Meanwhile, as I sit here with a frozen bag of spinach on my swollen knee, remind me that even through THIS, you have a most excellent and perfect plan.

James 1:2-8 from The Message

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced out into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get His help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open."