A head banging kind of day

Unfortunately today is not one of those "feel good about all the awesome things that God has used me to do" days. In fact, far from it.

Yesterday, as I went walking with a good friend that the Lord has placed in my life, I was explaining to her my battles with my eating. Self image has always been a big deal to me, and I've had periods where I've been able to accept myself for who I am, and periods (like this week for instance) where nothing I wear fits right, I'm tired of being tired and out of shape, and I look at pictures of my skinny self back in college and lament over that person that I've lost. Now, in my head I know that I 'should' be eating right and exercising. But there's a wee little problem that I deal with called SUGAR ADDICTION and right now is something that I am really battling with. Not to mention the mental battle I have that goes something like this: in the morning "oh today would be such a great day to work out. I know, I'll do it this afternoon when I lay Mikayla down for a nap." In the afternoon: "ugh, I am so tired. This day has about done me in. I guess I DO have a headache, and I guess I could do it TOMORROW when I am feeling better." Or whatever various reason I can think of at the time.

God showed me yesterday as I was watching a Joyce Meyer teaching online that this area of temptation and struggle I have not totally surrendered to Him. I've been thinking that I can do it all on my own, but unfortunately time after time I give in. Then it becomes this secret that, as Joyce said, eats at us inside like a cancer. Some people deal with drugs or other "secret" addictions; lately food is my vice. I was reminded that this, just like someone with any other kind of addiction, is something that I need to make sure is brought out into the light on a regular basis. And I already know the power of doing so in some other areas that God has dealt with me on. James 5:16 says "Therefore confress your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." So as believers we are called to make sure we are keeping this secret junk out in the light by being open and honest about our struggles, and praying for each other so that the power of God can help them to withstand the temptation. It is interesting to note that it doesn't say it will TAKE the temptation away.

So last night, I brought up a thing or two that I know I needed to share with someone and just get out there. I know there's other stuff too, but in my mind I figured "eh, that's enough for tonight".

Today unfortunately has been a battle. I have a daughter who, because of getting up too early, has been entirely out of sorts all day and has disobeyed and argued me to the point of insanity and I have not exercised the fruit of self control very well. I had to take care of some insurance matters this afternoon which of course ended up to not be just something easy I could quickly get taken care of this afternoon. I have a toddler recovering from being sick, and I have had a headache that has continued on for three days.

Suffice it to say, I was very triggered this afternoon. (blech) So, yep, I got a large coke and 3 chocolate chip cookies and gulped down the coke and ate 2 of the cookies (I let Hannah have one). Thankfully tonight I will be meeting with an awesome group of people who I can also share this junk with, accept me for who I am, and help me to move forward to greater victory.

Thankfully I have a Savior who has already accepted me, and He's just waiting for me to understand the victory that he already won for me at the Cross.